15-05-2021-052358It-Ends-with-Us

I shake my head. “No. It was a shock. Believe me.”
She laughs and after another hug, we both sit down again. I try to
keep up my smile, but it’s not the smile of an elated expectant
mother. She sees that almost immediately. She slides a hand over her
mouth. “Sweetie,” she whispers. “What’s the matter?”
Until this moment, I’ve fought to remain strong. I’ve fought to not
feel too sorry for myself when I’m around other people. But sitting
here with my mother, I crave weakness. I just want to be able to give
up for a little while. I want her to take over and hug me and tell me
it’ll all be okay. And for the next fifteen minutes while I cry in her
arms, that’s exactly what happens. I just stop fighting for myself
because I need someone else to do it for me.
I spare her most of the details of our relationship, but I do tell her
the most important things. That he’s hurt me on more than one
occasion, and I don’t know what to do. That I’m scared to have this
baby alone. That I’m scared I might make the wrong decision. That
I’m scared I’m being too weak and that I should have had him
arrested. That I’m scared I’m being too sensitive and I don’t know if
I’m overreacting. Basically, I tell her everything I haven’t even been
brave enough to fully admit to myself.
She retrieves some napkins out of the kitchen and comes back to
the table. After our eyes are finally dry, she begins to crumple the
napkin up between her hands, rolling it over in circles as she stares
down at it.
“Do you want to take him back?” she asks.
I don’t say yes. But I also don’t say no.
This is the first moment since this has happened that I’m being
completely honest. I’m honest to her and to myself. Maybe because
she’s the only one I know who has been through this. She’s the only
one I know who would understand the massive amounts of confusion
I’ve been experiencing.
I shake my head, but I also shrug. “Most of me feels like I’ll never
be able to trust him again. But a huge part of me grieves what I had
with him. We were so good together, Mom. The times I spent with
him were some of the best moments of my life. And occasionally I feel
like maybe I don’t want to give that up.”