15-05-2021-052358It-Ends-with-Us

when he was at his worst. Five minutes of witnessing him at his worst
couldn’t make up for even five years of him at his best.
I look at Emerson and I look at Ryle. And I know that I have to do
what’s best for her. For the relationship I hope she builds with her
father. I don’t make this decision for me and I don’t make it for Ryle.
I make it for her.
“Ryle?”
When he glances at me, he’s smiling. But when he assesses the look
on my face, he stops.
“I want a divorce.”
He blinks twice. My words hit him like voltage. He winces and looks
back down at our daughter, his shoulders hunched forward. “Lily,” he
says, shaking his head back and forth. “Please don’t do this.”
His voice is pleading, and I hate that he’s been holding on to hope
that I would eventually take him back. That’s partly my fault, I know,
but I don’t think I realized what choice I was going to make until I
held my daughter for the first time.
“Just one more chance, Lily. Please.” His voice cracks with tears
when he speaks.
I know I’m hurting him at the worst possible time. I’m breaking his
heart when this should be the best moment of his life. But I know if I
don’t do it in this moment, I might never be able to convince him of
why I can’t risk taking him back.
I begin to cry because this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting
him. “Ryle,” I say gently. “What would you do? If one of these days,
this little girl looked up at you and she said, ‘Daddy? My boyfriend hit
me.’ What would you say to her, Ryle?”
He pulls Emerson to his chest and buries his face against the top of
her blanket. “Stop, Lily,” he begs.
I push myself up straighter on the bed. I place my hand on
Emerson’s back and try to get Ryle to look me in the eyes. “What if
she came to you and said, ‘Daddy? My husband pushed me down the stairs.
He said it was an accident. What should I do?’ ”
His shoulders begin to shake, and for the first time since the day I
met him, he has tears. Real tears that rush down his cheeks as he
holds his daughter tightly against him. I’m crying, too, but I keep
going. For her sake.