Frankie201809-10

SUKIN PURIFYING FACIAL

MASQUE

It delights me that beauty
companies still apply the
technique of using vaguely
European spelling on their
products in an attempt to make
them seem fancier. (Amasque
is surely just a mask wearing a
beret and holding a croissant.)
When I opened the lid of this
charmantlittle tub I was doubly
delighted by the colour of the
gloop inside – a lovely shade
of terracotta red.Ooh la-la!
Following the instructions,
I applied the masque to my
face and neck and set the
timer for 15 minutes. (As it
turns out, ‘Sukin’ is actually
a Russian swear word, so if
you want to make the time
pass quicker, you can angrily
shout this into the mirror while
pretending to be Vladimir
Putin.) After rinsing, my skin
felt super-cleansed and soft.
I’d recommend this product to
anyone prone to oiliness or the
desire to cosplay as a fascist
dictator.DF

NATIO CLAY AND PLANT

FACE MASK PURIFIER

It’s imperative that you know,

dear reader, that I love face

masks. Can’t get enough of

them! A psychologist might

say this has something to do

with the desire to control all

aspects of the universe, or

maybe I just like having soft

skin. Who’s to say! All I know is

that the idea of being purified

really appeals to me, and this

Natio mask promises just that.

The sophisticated-looking

tube tells me it’ll balance my

“surface oils” (my internal oils

will remain unchanged) and

give me a “youthful radiance”.

The mask is very thin and more

of a milk than a gluggy clay.

Although I enjoyed the lemony

smell, it did sting a little and

left my skin feeling very tight.

Is that what youthful radiance

feels like? The packet did

say to “relax” while wearing

the mask, but I listened to

a murder podcast instead,

so perhaps that’s where

I stuffed up. SS

YES TO TOMATOES ACNE-

FIGHTING PAPER MASK

Just like my resting emotional

state, my epidermis can be highly

sensitive. With hair and skin that

make me resemble an extra

fromChildren of the Corn or a

One Nation voter, my pale hands

trembled nervously as I opened

this packet. I gently flopped the

cold, moist and slimy sheet on my

face, realising those three words

are typically associated with eels

and not something one would

voluntarily put near their eyes.

After about 30 seconds, my cheeks

started tingling in a way that was

perhaps meant to happen, before

speeding into ‘THE BURNING,

MAKE IT STOP’ territory. With

visions of my swollen face being

circulated on internet forums

alongside those photos of dogs

that ate bees, I fearfully ripped it

off. Apparently the tomato essence

and salicylic acid are meant to

be useful for fighting acne, but

I couldn’t last longer than one

minute, so the world will just have

to deal with looking at my spotty,

flushed face. DF

BIORÉ CHARCOAL SELF-

HEATING ONE-MINUTE MASK

This mask was very unsettling.

The self-heating goop

supposedly “reacts” with water

to produce a warm sensation

that opens up the pores. It was

meant to purify my skin – and

perhaps my soul! Not really, but

it did make me think a lot about

the possibilities of science. The

mask felt hot straight away –

which was weird, but impressive

• and as I massaged it into my
  skin, little balls appeared on
  my fingertips. It was unclear
  if these balls were just dried
  bits of the mask or solidified
  impurities that the hot mud
  was literally sucking out of my
  face, but it was a satisfying
  time nonetheless. I found it very
  hard to get the gloopy charcoal
  stuff off, though – off my face,
  off the sink, off the floor when
  I dropped it. It kind of looked
  like a bunch of black jellybeans
  had exploded in my bathroom.
  On the plus side, I did notice my
  T-zone was considerably less
  congested. SS

behind the mask

SINEAD STUBBINS AND

DEIRDRE FIDGE SLOP SOME

GOOP ON THEIR FACES IN

THE NAME OF SCIENCE.

Illustrations Evie Barrow

road test