7TH HEAVEN DEAD SEA MUD
At one point many years
ago, the world decided that
face masks needed to be
clay- and mud-associated
colours, and no other tints
would suffice. Why did that
happen? What a bunch of
sheep we were, going along
with this sham! Now that I’ve
had the pleasure of smearing
an aqua-blue mud all over my
face, I’m never going back to
that greyscale life! Apparently,
this detoxifying mask is made
by “veggie herbalists” from
pressed lavender, chopped
seaweed and crushed sea
salt straight from the Dead
Sea. The Dead Sea is all
the way near Jordan! Now
I’m putting it on my face in
Australia! We are one world!
The smell reminded me of
cheap aftershave, but I do
think it decongested my
skin a little. On the packet,
a woman wearing the mask
has flowers bursting from her
eyeballs. That did not happen
to me.SSBURT’S BEES INTENSE
HYDRATION TREATMENT MASK
Of all products tested, this
one wins the award for Most
Dramatic Marketing. The blurb
on the back states: “Deep
in the windswept hills of the
Mediterranean, a lone plant
fights for its life against the
elements. Clary sage not only
survives, but thrives in its
harsh environment, because
of its ability to trap and retain
moisture.” Truly, this masochistic
shrub can teach us a great deal
about blossoming amongst
loneliness and hardship.
Inspirational. I slopped the cream
onto my hands and rubbed it into
my face, allowing the botanical
extract to penetrate my skin with
its warrior-like endurance (but
only for 10 minutes). The mask
did smell pleasant and left my
skin feeling smooth. I am hopeful
that if I use this regularly, the
clary sage will infuse its herby
magic into my general character
and transform me into a resilient,
independent goddess. Is that too
much to ask? DFPURE SMILE CAT MASK
The furry community is one
I have never been able to
fully wrap my head around,
but, nonetheless, have more
sympathy for than the internet
seems to. So, I figured this
product might help a non-furry
understand. The packaging
asks, “Will you be a cat?”,
and I replied with a hesitant,
“Let’s hope so!” Peeling it
back revealed a mask coated
in a foul-smelling moisture
and decorated with a cartoony
cat face (black whiskers, pink
nose – the usual). Placing the
mask on correctly required
a lot of tweaking to protect
against accidental suffocation,
and the end result had me
looking less like a cute kitty,
and more like a hell demon
who had popped up from the
underworld and decided to
rob a servo. I messaged my
sister a no-context photo of
me in the mask, and her reply,
verbatim, was: “Why is this
happening?” I tended to agree
with her. DF
SKIN REPUBLIC GOLD
HYDROGEL MASK
I’ve recently developed a faint
spider web of lines next to my
eyes, so I guess it was about
time I addressed that, lest
society decide to ship me out
to sea. This hydrogel mask is
infused with a special serum
that is said to “instantly
minimise the appearance
of fine lines and wrinkles”.
Seems luxurious – especially
when it’s made from what
I can only assume is 24-carat
gold. I’d never used a sheet
mask before, and it was...
quite an experience. You
have to sit still for at least
half an hour and hope the
cold, slippery paper doesn’t
flap off your face. I know this
is technically meant to be
relaxing, but I couldn’t stop
thinking about that guy in
The Silence of the Lambs who
made clothes out of human
skin. Then I couldn’t get the
line, “It rubs the lotion on its
skin” out of my head. It did not
feel luxurious anymore. SSroad test