They could see that people liked them. This also reinforced their good
behaviour. That was the reward.
People will really like your kids if you give them the chance. This is
something I learned as soon as we had our first baby, our daughter, Mikhaila.
When we took her down the street in her little foldup stroller in our French
Montreal working-class neighbourhood, rough-looking heavy-drinking
lumberjack types would stop in their tracks and smile at her. They would coo
and giggle and make stupid faces. Watching people respond to children
restores your faith in human nature. All that’s multiplied when your kids
behave in public. To ensure that such things happen, you have to discipline
your children carefully and effectively—and to do that, you have to know
something about reward, and about punishment, instead of shying away from
the knowledge.
Part of establishing a relationship with your son or daughter is learning
how that small person responds to disciplinary intervention—and then
intervening effectively. It’s very easy to mouth clichés instead, such as:
“There is no excuse for physical punishment,” or, “Hitting children merely
teaches them to hit.” Let’s start with the former claim: there is no excuse for
physical punishment. First, we should note the widespread consensus around
the idea that some forms of misbehavior, particularly those associated with
theft and assault, are both wrong and should be subject to sanction. Second,
we should note that almost all those sanctions involve punishment in its many
psychological and more directly physical forms. Deprivation of liberty causes
pain in a manner essentially similar to that of physical trauma. The same can
be said of the use of social isolation (including time out). We know this
neurobiologically. The same brain areas mediate response to all three, and all
are ameliorated by the same class of drugs, opiates.^105 Jail is clearly physical
punishment—particularly solitary confinement—even when nothing violent
happens. Third, we should note that some misbegotten actions must be
brought to a halt both effectively and immediately, not least so that
something worse doesn’t happen. What’s the proper punishment for someone
who will not stop poking a fork into an electrical socket? Or who runs away
laughing in a crowded supermarket parking lot? The answer is simple:
whatever will stop it fastest, within reason. Because the alternative could be
fatal.