9781529032178

THOUGHT PATTERNS THAT LEAVE YOU OUT IN THE

COLD

As an avoidant, you have a skewed perspective of the things that your
partner says and does. The unnerving part is that you’re almost entirely
unconscious of these unconstructive thought patterns.

Mistaking Self-Reliance for Independence

Joe, 29: “When I was growing up, my father constantly told me not to
rely on anyone. He said it so many times it became a mantra in my head:
‘You can only count on yourself!’ I never disputed its truth until I first went
to therapy. ‘Relationships? Who needs them?’ I told my shrink. ‘Why
would I waste my time being with someone when I can only count on
myself.’ My therapist opened my eyes. ‘That’s nonsense!’ he said, ‘Of
course you can—and should—count on other people, you do it all the time
anyway. We all do.’ It was one of those white-light moments. I could see
that he was right. What a huge relief it was to let go of such an obsessive
notion that set me apart from the rest of the world.”
Joe’s belief in self-reliance—and his experience of feeling alone because
of it—isn’t unique to him. Studies show that belief in self-reliance is very
closely linked with a low degree of comfort with intimacy and closeness.
Although avoidant individuals were found to have a great deal of
confidence about not needing anyone else, their belief came with a price
tag: They scored lowest on every measure of closeness in personal
relationships. They were less willing to engage in self-disclosure, less
comfortable with intimacy, and also less likely to seek help from others.
As is evident in Joe’s account, a strong belief in self-reliance can be more
of a burden than an asset. In romantic relationships, it reduces your ability
to be close, to share intimate information, and to be in tune with your
partner. Many avoidants confuse self-reliance with independence. Even
though it’s important for each of us to be able to stand on our own two feet,
if we overrate self-reliance, we diminish the importance of getting support
from other people, thus cutting ourselves off from an important lifeline.