Another problem with self-reliance is the “self ” part. It forces you to
ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your own needs,
shortchanging you of one of the most rewarding human experiences: It
prevents you (and the person you love) from the joy of feeling part of
something bigger than yourself.
Seeing the Worm Instead of the AppleAnother disabling thought pattern that makes you keep your partner at a
distance is “seeing the worm instead of the apple.” Carole had been with
Bob for nine months and had been feeling increasingly unhappy. She felt
Bob was the wrong guy for her, and gave a multitude of reasons: He wasn’t
her intellectual equal, he lacked sophistication, he was too needy, and she
didn’t like the way he dressed or interacted with people. Yet, at the same
time, there was a tenderness about him that she’d never experienced with
another man. He made her feel safe and accepted, he lavished gifts on her,
and he had endless patience to deal with her silences, moods, and scorn.
Still, Carole was adamant about her need to leave Bob. “It will never
work,” she said time and again. Finally, she broke up with him. Months
later she was surprised by just how difficult she was finding things without
him. Lonely, depressed, and heartbroken, she mourned their lost
relationship as the best she’d ever had.
Carole’s experience is typical of people with an avoidant attachment
style. They tend to see the glass half-empty instead of half-full when it
comes to their partner. In fact, in one study, Mario Mikulincer, dean of the
New School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center in Israel and one
of the leading researchers in the field of adult attachment, together with
colleagues Victor Florian and Gilad Hirschberger, from the department of
psychology at Bar-Ilan University in Israel, asked couples to recount their
daily experiences in a diary. They found that people with an avoidant
attachment style rated their partner less positively than did non-avoidants.
What’s more, they found they did so even on days in which their accounts
of their partners’ behavior indicated supportiveness, warmth, and caring.
Dr. Mikulincer explains that this pattern of behavior is driven by avoidants’
generally dismissive attitude toward connectedness. When something