occurs that contradicts this perspective—such as their spouse behaving in a
genuinely caring and loving manner—they are prone to ignoring the
behavior, or at least diminishing its value.
When they were together, Carole used many deactivating strategies,
tending to focus on Bob’s negative attributes. Although she was aware of
her boyfriend’s strengths, she couldn’t keep her mind off what she
perceived to be his countless flaws. Only after they broke up, and she no
longer felt threatened by the high level of intimacy, did her defense
strategies lift. She was then able to get in touch with the underlying feelings
of attachment that were there all along and to accurately assess Bob’s
pluses.
CAUTION: READ THE SIGNS
Imagine if you were a parent and couldn’t for the life of you read your
infant’s cues. You wouldn’t be able to tell whether your child was hungry or
tired, wanting to be held or wanting to be left alone, wet or sick. How
difficult life would be for both of you. Your child would have to work so
much harder—and cry so much longer—to be understood.
Having an avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like that
parent. You’re not strong at translating the many verbal and nonverbal
signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent
understanding of your lover’s mental state. The problem is that, along with
your self-reliant attitude, you also train yourself not to care about how the
person closest to you is feeling. You figure that this is not your task; that
they need to take care of their own emotional well-being. This lack of
understanding leads partners of avoidants to complain about not receiving
enough emotional support. It also leads to less connectedness, warmth, and
satisfaction in the relationship.
Dr. Jeffry Simpson, professor of psychology at the University of
Minnesota, studies how adult attachment orientations are associated with
relationship functioning and well-being, particularly when partners are
distressed. He also researches empathic accuracy—the condition under
which people tend to be accurate or inaccurate in gauging their partner’s