8.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

When the two people in a couple have colliding intimacy needs, their
relationship is likely to become more of a storm-tossed voyage than a safe
haven. Here are three examples of what we mean.

THE DIRTY LAUNDRY

Janet, 37, and Mark, 40, have been living together for almost eight years.
For the past two years they’ve been having an ongoing dispute about
whether to buy a washing machine. Mark is strongly in favor—it will save
them a lot of time and hassle. Janet is adamantly opposed—their
Manhattan apartment is tiny, and fitting in another appliance will mean
cramping their style even more. Besides, as she sees it, she’s responsible for
the laundry, so why is Mark making such a big deal about it? When they
discuss the subject, they both become highly emotional and it usually ends
by Janet clamming up or Mark exploding.
What are they fighting about?
To get at the real issue, let’s add the following piece of information to the
equation: When Janet does the laundry, it’s on weekends and she goes to
her sister’s place around the block. This is the sensible thing to do—her
sister has a washing machine, it’s free and less trouble. She then idles away
the entire day there. Janet has an avoidant attachment style and is always
finding opportunities to do things without Mark. For Mark, who has an
anxious attachment style, the desire for a washing machine is really a wish
for something else altogether—to be close to Janet.
When viewed in this light, we can see that the washing machine dispute
is only a symptom of the real issue—the fact that Mark and Janet have very