WHEN FACEBOOK AND “ABANDONMENT” ISSUES
MEET
Naomi, 33, and Kevin, 30, have been seeing each other exclusively for six
months and have a couple of disagreements they can’t resolve. Naomi is
upset that Kevin hasn’t “unfriended” a couple of ex-girlfriends from his list
on Facebook. She is convinced he is flirting with other women. Kevin, on
the other hand, doesn’t like the fact that Naomi makes a habit of calling him
whenever he’s out having drinks with his pals, so he screens her calls. Kevin
believes that Naomi has serious abandonment issues and is overly jealous—
and he frequently tells her so. Naomi tries to control her gnawing doubts
and worries, but they just won’t go away.
There is no hard and fast relationship rule about keeping ex-girlfriends on
your Facebook account or remaining in touch with them. There is also no
right or wrong when it comes to phoning your boyfriend when he’s out with
friends. In certain situations, these behaviors might make perfect sense. But
Naomi and Kevin’s disagreements are not really about these questions at
all, and that is why they’re unable to reach a resolution. Their conflict is
about how close and committed they want to be to each other. Kevin, who
has an avoidant attachment style, wants to keep a certain distance between
himself and Naomi, and he does so using various strategies—he remains
secretive about his comings and goings and he stays in touch with old
flames despite Naomi’s obvious discomfort. Naomi, for her part, tries to get
closer to Kevin by eliminating the barriers and distractions he has placed
between them. But without his genuine desire to get closer, her efforts are
futile; after all, it takes two willing individuals to create intimacy.
All three cases we’ve described have one thing in common: While one
partner truly wants intimacy, the other feels very uncomfortable when
things become too close. This is often the case when one of the partners in a
bond is avoidant and the other is either anxious or secure—but it’s most
pronounced when one partner is avoidant and the other anxious.