9781529032178

Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when your need for
intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner, your satisfaction level
will rise. Incongruent intimacy needs, on the other hand, usually translate
into substantially lower satisfaction. When couples disagree about the
degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue
eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue. We call this situation
the “anxious-avoidant trap,” because like a trap, you fall into it with no
awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard to break free.
The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly
hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in
a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities. Take a look at the diagram
on page 158. People with an anxious attachment style (lower circle on the
right) cope with threats to the relationship by activating their attachment
system—trying to get close to their partner. People who are avoidant (lower
circle on the left) have the opposite reaction. They cope with threats by
deactivating—taking measures to distance themselves from their partners
and “turn off ” their attachment system. Thus the closer the anxious tries to
get, the more distant the avoidant acts. To make matters worse, one
partner’s activation further reinforces the other’s deactivation in a vicious
cycle, and they both remain within the relationship “danger zone.” In order
to move toward more security—the safe zone in the diagram—both
members of the couple need to find a way to feel less threatened, get less
activated/deactivated, and get out of the danger zone.
THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF THE ANXIOUS - AVOIDANT TRAP