- The roller-coaster effect. In the relationship you never sail
along on an even keel. Instead, every once in a while, when
the avoidant partner makes him/herself available to the
anxious partner, the latter’s attachment system is temporarily
quieted and you achieve extreme closeness—leading to the
feeling of a “high.” This closeness, however, is perceived as
a threat by the avoidant partner and is quickly followed by
withdrawal on his or her part—only to create renewed
dissatisfaction for the anxious partner. - The emotional counterbalancing act. If you’re avoidant,
you often inflate your self-esteem and sense of independence
in comparison to someone else. If you’re anxious, you are
programmed to feel “less than” when your attachment
system gets activated. Frequently avoidants feel independent
and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy
and incapable. This is one of the main reasons avoidants
hardly ever date one another. They can’t feel strong and
independent in relation to someone who shares the same
sentiment as they do. - Stable instability. The relationship may last for a long time,
but an element of uncertainty persists. As illustrated on page
158, you may remain together but with a feeling of chronic
dissatisfaction, never finding the degree of intimacy that you
are both comfortable with. - Are we really fighting about this? You may feel that you’re
constantly fighting about things you shouldn’t be fighting
about at all. In fact, your fights aren’t about these minor
problems but about something else altogether—the amount
of intimacy between you. - Life in the inner circle as the enemy. If you are anxious,
you find that you’re getting treated worse instead of better
once you become the person closest to the avoidant partner.
We’ll explore this further in the next chapter. - Experiencing the trap. You develop the eerie sense that the
relationship is not right for you, but you feel too emotionally
connected to the other person to leave.
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