WHY ARE INTIMACY DIFFERENCES SO DIFFICULT TO
RECONCILE?
If two people are in love, can’t they find a way to be together and work out
their differences? We wish the answer was a simple yes, but we’ve often
seen that it’s impossible to find a resolution acceptable to both the anxious
partner and the avoidant partner, regardless of how much love they feel for
each other. Typically, if the relationship runs its usual course (we will show
you later that this does not have to be so) despite differing intimacy needs,
the anxious partner is usually the one who has to make concessions and
accept the rules imposed by the avoidant partner.
So even if the relationship is left to its own devices and lasts for a long
time (in a stably unstable manner), without an attempt to steer it toward a
secure place, things don’t usually get better—and may get worse. Here’s
why:
- Intimacy differences can spill over into more and more areas of life
—radically different intimacy needs don’t stop with seemingly
trivial matters like one person wanting to hold hands more often
than the other. These differences reflect diametrically opposed
desires, assumptions, and attitudes. In fact, they affect almost every
aspect of a shared life; from the way you sleep together to how you
raise your children. With every new development in the relationship
(getting married, having kids, moving to a new home, making
money, or becoming ill) these basic differences will manifest
themselves, and the gap between partners may widen as the
challenges become greater. - Conflict is often left unresolved because the resolution itself creates
too much intimacy. If you are anxious or secure, you genuinely want
to work out a relationship problem. However, the resolution itself
often brings a couple closer together—this is a scenario that,
however unconsciously, the avoidant partner wants to avoid. While
people with an anxious or secure attachment style seek to resolve a
disagreement to achieve greater emotional closeness, this outcome is
uncomfortable for the avoidant who actually seeks to remain distant.