In order to dodge the possibility of getting closer, avoidants tend to
grow more hostile and distant as arguments progress. Unless there is
recognition of the process involved in an anxious-avoidant conflict,
the distancing during conflict tends to repeat itself and causes a lot
of unhappiness. Without addressing the issue, the situation can go
from bad to worse.- With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground: During
bitter fights between anxious and avoidant partners, when there are
no secure checks and balances in place, people with anxious
attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative emotions.
When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an extreme manner,
even to the point of threatening to leave (protest behavior).
However, once they calm down, they become flooded with positive
memories and are then overcome with regret. They reach out to their
partner in an attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a
hostile response, because avoidants react differently to a fight. They
turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of
their partner.
What often happens at this point, if you are anxious, is that you not only fail
to resolve the original conflict but now find yourself in a worse position
than you were in the first place. Now you have to plead just to return to
your initial, unsatisfactory status quo (and often have to compromise for
less). Any hopes for a better life together get washed down the drain.