9.

Escaping the Anxious-Avoidant Trap: How the Anxious-Avoidant

Couple Can Find Greater Security

If you’ve discovered that most of your difficulties can actually be traced
back to conflicting intimacy needs, is there anything I you can do about it?
Perhaps one of the most intriguing findings in adult attachment research
is that attachment styles are stable but plastic. This means that they tend to
stay consistent over time, but they can also change. Up to now, we’ve
described in detail what happens in anxious-avoidant relationships when
left to run their usual course. Here we want to offer these couples a chance
to work together to become more secure.
Attachment research shows that people tend to become more secure
when they are in a relationship with someone secure. But there is also hope
for a couple’s future when neither partner is secure. Studies have found that
security “priming”—reminding people of security-enhancing experiences
they’ve had—can help them to create a greater sense of security. When
people can recall a past relationship with a secure person or be inspired by a
secure role model in their lives, they are often successful at adopting secure
ways. As a person’s attachment style gradually changes toward greater
security, he or she behaves more constructively in relationships and even
enjoys better mental and physical health. And if both partners are able to do
so—the results can be remarkable.

IDENTIFYING YOUR INTEGRATED SECURE ROLE

MODEL

Priming for security can be as simple as thinking about secure people
around you and how they behave in their relationships. To find such a role