model, mentally review the various people in your life, past and present.
The secure presence can be someone close like a parent or a sibling, or it
may be someone you know more casually from work or through friends.
What’s important is that this person has a secure attachment style and a
secure way of dealing with people. Once you’ve come up with one or more
such people, try to conjure specific images and recollections of the way
they interact in the world: the kinds of things they say, how they act in
different situations, what they choose to ignore and what they respond to,
the way they behave when their partner is feeling down, and their general
outlook on life and relationships. For example:
“Once when I disagreed with my manager, I came out very strongly
against him. He showed a genuine interest in what I had to say and
created a dialogue with me instead of a dueling match.”
“My best friend, Jon, and his wife, Laura, are always encouraging
each other to do the things that they are passionate about. When
Laura decided to leave her law firm and go into social work, Jon
was the first to give her his blessing , even though it meant a serious
financial cutback.”Your Relationship with Your Pet as a Secure Role
Model?
Suzanne Phillips, coauthor of the book Healing Together, describes
our connection with our pets as a source of inspiration for our
romantic relationships. In her writing, she points out that we tend to
perceive our pets as selfless and loving despite their many
misdemeanors: They wake us up at night, destroy our valuables, and
demand our undivided attention, yet we tend to overlook these
behaviors and feel positively toward them. In fact, our connection
with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our
lives. We can tap into our attitudes toward our pets as a secure
resource within us—we don’t assume our pets are doing things
purposely to hurt us, we don’t hold grudges even when they eat