9781529032178

something they shouldn’t or make a mess, we still greet them

warmly when we come home (even after a rough day at the office),

and we stick by them no matter what.

Go over all the secure examples that you’ve come up with and summarize
the characteristics that you would like to adopt. This will become your
integrated secure role model. This is what you want to strive for.

RESHAPING YOUR WORKING MODELS

In attachment research, “working model” is a phrase that describes our
basic belief system when it comes to romantic relationships—what gets you
going, what shuts you down, your attitudes and expectations. In short, what
makes you tick in relationships. It is helpful to understand the ins and outs
of your working model as a first step toward identifying patterns of
thoughts, feelings, and actions that stand in the way of your becoming more
secure.

Creating Your Relationship Inventory

The first order of business, therefore, is to become aware of the working
model that governs your relationship behavior. Although you might have a
good idea about your attachment style from what you’ve read so far, the
relationship inventory will help you see more clearly how your attachment
style affects your day-to-day thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in romantic
situations.
The inventory will walk you through your past and present relationships
from an attachment perspective. Research into the molecular mechanism of
memory and learning reveals that whenever we recall a scene—or retrieve a
certain memory to our conscious mind—we disrupt it, and by doing so, we
alter it forever. Our memories are not like old books in the library, lying
there dusty and unchanged; they are rather like a living, breathing entity.
What we remember today of our past is in fact a product of editing and
reshaping that occurs over the years whenever we recall that particular