9781529032178

memory. In other words, our current experiences shape our view of our past
ones. By creating your own attachment inventory, you reexamine your
recollections of past relationship experiences from a fresh new perspective.
Viewing them through an attachment lens will allow you to change some
unhelpful beliefs that rely on those particular memories, and by so doing
reshape your working model into a more secure one.
On pages 168-169 is the attachment relationship inventory. Taking the
inventory is a task that should be done alone. Make sure to set aside enough
quiet time to work on it thoroughly, so you really get a complete and
accurate picture of yourself from an attachment perspective. Start by listing,
in the left-hand column (1), the names of all your romantic partners, past
and present. These can include people you’ve dated briefly. We suggest
working vertically, one column at a time. Completing the inventory
vertically encourages you to focus less on each particular scenario and to
achieve an integrated picture of your working model across relationships.
The more information you gather, the better. In column 2, write what you
remember about the relationship: what it was like and what things stand out
most when you try to recall your time together. Once you write down your
general recollections of the relationship, column 3 allows you to take a
closer look and identify specific scenarios that contribute to
activation/deactivation of your attachment system. Column 4 asks how you
responded to these situations: What did you do? What were you thinking?
How did you feel? The lists below the inventory are provided to help you
recall these reactions.
Column 5 is a crucial next step. You will need to reassess these
experiences from an attachment perspective to gain insight into the issues
that affected your relationships. What attachment issues underlie your
reactions: Protest behavior? Deactivation? Refer to the lists as a guide. In
column 6, you’re asked to consider ways in which your reaction—now
translated into attachment principles—hurts you and gets in the way of your
happiness. Finally, column 7 prompts you to consider new, secure ways of
handling these situations using a security-enhancing role model in your life
and the secure principles we outline in this book (and in the box on page
174).
RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY