9781529032178

in finding ways to spend less time together. If you are with an avoidant
partner, you are constantly being rejected and rebuffed. After experiencing
these distancing strategies for a while, you start to blame yourself. You may
believe that if your partner was with someone else, s/he’d act differently;
that with another s/he’d surely want to be closer than with you. You begin
to feel unattractive and inadequate.
Understanding that your continual arguments actually have a hidden
subtext to them—that they genuinely are irresolvable—changes your
perception of your own role dramatically. Once you understand that your
partner will always find areas of contention as a way of maintaining
distance and that s/he will always need to withdraw, no matter whom s/he is
with—you will no longer blame yourself for the relationship problems.
At least on the surface, the avoidant partner gets hurt less, because
withdrawal is a one-sided move that doesn’t necessitate cooperation from
your partner. However, although seemingly unperturbed, an important
lesson to be learned is that indifference does not connote security.
Avoidants need to actively suppress their attachment needs but tend to
report being less happy in relationships. Though they often blame their
unhappiness on their partner.
But how do people live with this understanding?
When we interviewed Alana, she told us about her relationship with her
ex-husband, Stan. She recounted how they were able to find some stability
in the relationship as long as Stan worked most of the time, and on
weekends they did various separate chores and spent very little down time
together. But things would become more difficult whenever Alana would
ask him to go on a romantic getaway in the hope that it would bring them
closer. On these occasions, Stan would always find an excuse for not going.
They used to have a ritual whereby Alana would tell her friends and
coworkers that she and Stan were going away for the weekend; she would
get excited, make plans, and start to pack. A few days later she would call
them sounding defeated and worn out, to say that something came up at the
last minute, and they never went. Once it was his work, another time he
wasn’t feeling well, and yet another time the car needed repairs. They’d
have a huge fight and then things would calm down again—until the next
time. For Alana, getting her hopes up, only to be disappointed again and
again, was a painful experience.