- Natalie, 38, always dreamed of sharing her leisure time with her
husband. After years of resentment and bitter fights over his refusal
to spend weekends together, she decided to change. Today she
makes plans for herself. If he wants to join (as rarely happens), he’s
welcome aboard. But if not, it’s “so long and see you later.” - Janis, 43, is married to Larry. Larry, who was married before,
doesn’t take an active role in raising their joint children. Janis has
come to accept that when it comes to the kids (and several other
areas of their life together), she is quite literally on her own. She no
longer expects him to participate and no longer gets angry when he
refuses to do so.
All these individuals share chronic, ongoing intimacy collisions with their
partners. They have chosen to let go of the dream of being truly intimate
with their partners and have found a way to live with limited togetherness.
They compromise. But make no mistake: The compromise is in no way
mutual; it is in fact wholly one-sided. Instead of engaging in endless
conflict that results in nothing but frustration and disappointment, they have
decided to change their expectations and reduce conflict to tolerable
proportions.
DECIDING TO LET GO OF THE DREAM
Do we recommend taking this route? Our answer is—“It depends.” If
you’re in an ongoing relationship riddled with intimacy clashes that you
have not been able to resolve, and yet you want to remain in the bond for
whatever reason, then yes, this is the only way to live in relative peace.
Your satisfaction level in the relationship will be lower than that of people
who don’t experience such battles. But it will also be higher than that of
people who choose to relive these fights day in and day out without ever
accepting that they are about fundamental differences that aren’t going to go
away.
If, however, you’re in a relatively new or uncommitted relationship and
are already experiencing a lot of intimacy collisions, we advise you to think
long and hard about whether you want to make so many concessions in