someone else and leave, because I was afraid I’d never have the strength to
leave him first. Luckily Craig found the strength. When I told him I wanted
a divorce, for the umpteenth time, he again begged me to stay, but this time
he promised that if I ever asked again, he wouldn’t talk me out of it. I’m
grateful that he kept his word. The next time things got unbearable, I told
him I wanted out, and he said, “Okay!” We’d signed a contract to buy an
apartment together and lost $10,000 for pulling out of the deal, but looking
back, it was the best money I ever spent.
The divorce was relatively quick and easy. We stayed in touch afterward.
Once I wasn’t tied to him any longer, it was actually fun spending time with
him—in small doses. He was interesting, affectionate, and charming. When
he became hurtful, I would just get up and leave.
Fortunately, Marsha went on to meet someone with whom she has a happy
life. While with her new partner, she was able to change her job to one more
rewarding and to develop a new hobby. She’s never again experienced the
emotional turmoil that she felt with Craig.
OPPOSING FORCES
Marsha and Craig’s story exemplifies how bad an anxious-avoidant trap can
become. Craig didn’t feel comfortable with too much intimacy, so he
missed no opportunity to put up emotional barriers between himself and
Marsha—creating uncertainty at the beginning of their relationship, keeping
their status unclear, having to be “pushed” into marriage, belittling her,
avoiding sex, and using numerous other deactivating strategies. Clearly he
possesses an avoidant attachment style. Marsha has an anxious attachment
style. She longed to be close to Craig, she was the driving force behind their
marriage, and she was preoccupied with the relationship—initially she cried
every day because of his behavior, a form of preoccupation, and later she
constantly thought of divorce, another way to focus on the relationship. In a
typically anxious manner, she fluctuated from highs to lows, depending on
the signals from Craig, and resorted to protest behavior (threatening to