leave but never actually following through). Her attachment system
remained chronically activated, at least during the first few years—before
she became indifferent to him.
It is evident that each side had very different needs in the relationship,
resulting in a continuous clash. Craig’s need was to keep his distance and
Marsha’s was to get closer. Craig’s inflated self-esteem (an avoidant
characteristic) fed off Marsha’s increasing self-doubt (an anxious
characteristic). But there were also endearing moments between them that
made it difficult for her to leave. For example, Craig sometimes knew how
to be very affectionate and loving and how to soothe Marsha when things
got to be too much (even though usually they got to be too much because of
him!). Yet every instance of their closeness was followed by his distancing,
which is typical of anxious-avoidant relationships.
A WORD ABOUT SEX
Note Marsha’s statement that Craig was “the least sexual person I ever
dated.” Avoidants often use sex to distance themselves from their partner. It
doesn’t necessarily mean they will cheat on their partner, although studies
have shown that they are more likely to do so than other attachment types.
Phillip Shaver, in a study with then University of California-Davis graduate
student Dory Schachner, found that of the three styles, avoidants would
more readily make a pass at someone else’s partner or respond to such a
proposition.
But even when avoidants do stay faithful, they have other ways of using
sex to push their partners away. While people with an anxious attachment
style prefer strong emotional involvement during sex and enjoy the intimate
aspects of lovemaking like kissing and caressing, avoidants have very
different preferences. They might choose to focus only on the sexual act
itself, forgoing holding and cuddling, or to put rules into place like “no
kissing” in order to make sex feel less intimate. Others might have sex only
rarely—or never—with their partner, or fantasize about others while doing
so. (Long-term couples may use fantasy to spice up their sex life, but they
do so as a way to get closer. With avoidants, fantasy is not part of a mutual