WHEN DEACTIVATING STRATEGIES ARE A GOOD
THING
Long before she actually made a break, Marsha had been unconsciously
preparing her escape by beginning to deactivate her attachment system.
After trying for years to make things work with Craig—by explaining her
point of view, falling apart emotionally, and excusing his behavior—she
finally gave up hope. In our interview, Marsha told us that whereas during
the first few years she would find herself in tears on a daily basis, during
the last year, she almost never cried. Emotionally, she was already starting
to detach. She no longer believed that anything would change or, in fact,
that Craig could change. She started to notice more and more of his faults
and stopped concentrating on the occasional positive experience they
shared. The process she went through was the same one that avoidant
people engage in all the time: In order to avoid becoming too close, they
focus on their partner’s negative qualities and behaviors to keep their
partner at bay. Marsha, although anxious, started to use deactivating
strategies after having been burned emotionally by Craig countless times.
Deactivating is a necessary process that must occur in order to get someone
out of your (attachment) system. Starting this process while still with your
partner, however, doesn’t guarantee that you won’t experience the rebound
effect. Once your attachment system is reactivated as a result of separation,
all bets are off. In Marsha’s case, having started the deactivation process did
help her get safely through the initial breakup phase and the eventual
divorce.
Today Marsha is no longer in contact with Craig and they are not friends.
Instead, she went on to find herself a real soul mate.
Surviving a Breakup
The following nine strategies, using attachment principles, will help
you get through the painful experience of ending a relationship.