11.

Effective Communication: Getting the Message Across

USING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TO CHOOSE THE

RIGHT PARTNER

After a few dates with Ethan, Lauren found herself very confused. On their
first date, they had gone to a romantic beach bar and spent several hours
getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, he said a quick good-
bye and disappeared. To her surprise he called again to ask her out, this time
to a performance at a waterfront club. They both had a couple of drinks and
spent hours dancing together. They even took a stroll along the beach, but
again nothing happened, just an abrupt “we’ll talk” when they parted. This
pattern repeated itself one more time on their next date. Lauren, who has an
anxious attachment style, thought that perhaps Ethan simply wasn’t
attracted to her. But then why was he still asking her out? Maybe he just
wanted the companionship? She didn’t want to stop seeing him without a
bona fide reason, because she really liked him. A close friend encouraged
her to stop speculating about the reasons for his behavior and simply ask.
Normally, Lauren wouldn’t have had the courage—she would have been
far too afraid of the hurtful response she might get. But she’d reached a
point where she was no longer willing to waste precious time on the wrong
person. So she did raise the subject with Ethan, tentatively at first, but she
found herself speaking very directly as the conversation progressed: “I’m
looking for more than something platonic. What is it that you have in
mind?” Contrary to her assumption, she learned that he didn’t find her
unattractive. He said he really liked her and expressed his desire for finding
a partner. But when she went a step further and asked specifically about his
“no-touch” policy, he didn’t have an answer and kept beating around the
bush. Although she didn’t come out of the conversation with a specific