9781529032178

answer as to why he wasn’t interested in physical contact, she did get a
clear picture about their future together—there was none!
Lauren gave up thinking of him as a potential partner, but they remained
friends. After Ethan confided in her about several other women he was
dating who were obviously also becoming frustrated by his puzzling
behavior, she finally put two and two together. The mystery around Ethan’s
conduct was not so mysterious after all—it became clear that he was having
serious doubts about his sexual orientation. Lauren thanked God she’d had
the guts to express her concerns early on, saving herself months of false
hopes and certain rejection.
Lauren’s story is an excellent example of the importance of effective
communication. Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in
a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool. Though it’s
used naturally by people with a secure attachment style, it is often
counterintuitive for people whose attachment style is anxious or avoidant.
One straightforward conversation with Ethan put an end to all the
guesswork and “theories” Lauren had built up in her mind. For Ethan it
would have been convenient if Lauren had been willing to simply put up
with his behavior indefinitely. He was getting what he wanted—a girlfriend
to show off to friends and family (to get them off his back) and time to sort
out his sexual orientation. But by expressing her needs, Lauren was able to
look out for herself and avoid getting strung along by someone else’s
agenda. In this case, attachment style was not the underlying issue, but
Lauren had no way of knowing this in advance. If Ethan’s behavior was
simply a manifestation of his attachment style, effective communication
would have uncovered that as well, and they would have both benefited
from discovering early on that their attachment styles were incompatible.
But what would have happened if Lauren had confronted him in this
forthright way, causing him great embarrassment, only to discover that his
behavior was the result of neither his attachment style nor his sexual
orientation but of simple shyness? Well, we know someone who had just
such an experience.
Tina’s situation was very similar to Lauren’s. On her third date with
Serge, Tina was sitting on the sofa next to him watching a movie and
wondering why he wasn’t making a move. She’d also had her share of
dead-end relationships and wasn’t willing to waste too much time