wondering what Serge’s particular issue might be. So, affecting a coquettish
smile, she simply said, “Can I have a kiss?” Though Serge was taken aback
for a second and mumbled something under his breath, he collected himself
and leaned over to kiss her. That was the last time his shyness was an issue
in their relationship, which is still going strong three years later.
In this case, flirtatiously asking for a kiss was an eloquent use of effective
communication. Tina expressed her needs, and although there was an
awkward moment, her directness gave her relationship with Serge a
tremendous push that brought them much closer, not only physically, but
also emotionally. Even if Serge had reacted in some other way, and things
had worked out differently, it would still have been helpful: People’s
response to effective communication is always very telling. It either allows
you to avoid getting involved in a dead-end relationship, as in Lauren and
Ethan’s case, or it helps bring the relationship to a deeper level, as in Serge
and Tina’s case.
Effective communication works on the understanding that we all have
very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by your
attachment style. They aren’t good or bad, they simply are what they are. If
you’re anxious, you have a strong need for closeness and have to be
reassured at all times that your partner loves and respects you. If you’re
avoidant, you need to be able to maintain some distance, either emotional or
physical, from your partner and preserve a large degree of separateness. In
order to be happy in a relationship, we need to find a way to communicate
our attachment needs clearly without resorting to attacks or defensiveness.
WHY USE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION?
Effective communication works to achieve two goals:
- To choose the right partner. Effective communication is the
quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective
partner will be able to meet your needs. Your date’s response to
effective communication can reveal more in five minutes than you
could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse. If the
other person shows a sincere wish to understand your needs and put