believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they
are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are
essential for your happiness, and that is what’s important.
A New Miranda’s Law of Dating: Effective
Communication Right from the Start
In 1966, Miranda warnings were mandated by the Supreme Court.
Police were required to Mirandize those under arrest by reading
them their rights: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the
right to an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford
an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these
rights?
A colleague of ours, Diane, used to joke about guys who would
“Mirandize” her, i.e., inform her of what she had a “right” to expect
when dating them. “I don’t think that I’m ready for commitment,”
they would say, meaning, “If it doesn’t work out, don’t say I didn’t
warn you.” Apparently, like the police, who are protected legally
while they interrogate a suspect, these guys felt absolved of any
emotional responsibility toward Diane once they had laid down “the
law.”
Using attachment principles, you can create your own secure
(rather than avoidant) Miranda rights outlining your belief that when
people fall in love, they are all but putting their soul in their
partner’s hand for safekeeping, and that you both have the
responsibility to keep it safe and make it prosper.
By conveying to your partner a secure working model of love and
relationships, you are setting yourself up for a secure connection
from the get-go:
- You are wearing your heart on your sleeve.
- You are able to gauge the other person’s response.