- You are allowing both yourself and your partner to strive for a
secure, mutually dependent bond.
COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY 101
Getting StartedWhen you are not use to effective communication, it can be extremely
helpful to formulate a script of the message you want to convey. It’s best
not to attempt this when you are upset, and it’s also important to ignore the
advice of friends who suggest indirect methods of trying to get your needs
met, such as making your partner jealous. If possible, ask your attachment-
designated person—ADP (see chapter 9)—or friend who has a secure
attachment style or who is familiar with the principles of effective
communication to help you compose the right words. When you are sure of
the content, recite it to yourself until you feel comfortable with the way it
sounds. Having everything written down can help you get over fears about
getting cold feet or forgetting your “lines,” and make it easier for you to
address your partner with confidence. Once you get the hang of it and
experience the positive effect it has on your life, using effective
communication will become second nature.
Exercise: Answer the Following Questions to Determine the Topic of Your
Script
Why do I feel uneasy or insecure (activated or deactivated) in this
relationship? What specific actions by my partner make me feel this way?
(The relationship inventory in chapter 9 can help you with the process.)
What specific action/s by my partner would make me feel more secure and
loved?