12.
Working Things Out: Five Secure Principles for Dealing with
Conflict
CAN FIGHTING MAKE US HAPPIER?
A major misconception about conflict in romantic relationships is that people
in good relationships should fight very little. There’s an expectation that, if
well matched, you and your partner will see eye to eye on most matters and
argue rarely, if at all. Sometimes arguments are even considered to be “proof
” that two people are incompatible or that a relationship is derailing.
Attachment theory shows us that these assumptions are unsubstantiated; all
couples—even secure ones—have their fair share of fights. What does
differentiate between couples and affect their satisfaction levels in their
relationships is not how much they disagree, but how they disagree and what
they disagree about. Attachment researchers have learned that conflicts can
serve as an opportunity for couples to get closer and deepen their bond.
There are two main kinds of conflict—the bread-and-butter type and the
intimacy-centered type. In chapter 8, we witnessed what happens when
people with diametrically opposed intimacy needs get together and, despite
their best intentions, struggle to find common ground. We saw how these
conflicting needs can spill over into every area of life and often result in one
party making all the concessions. Bread-and-butter conflicts are typically
devoid of intimacy struggles.
BREAD-AND-BUTTER CONFLICTS
As the name suggests, bread-and-butter conflicts are those disputes that
inevitably arise when separate wills and personalities share daily life—which
channel to watch, what temperature to set the air conditioning on, whether to