order Chinese or Indian. Such disagreements are actually good because they
force you to live in relation to someone else and learn to compromise. One of
the cruelest punishments a human being can endure is solitary confinement;
we’re social creatures and live best in relation to others. Although at times
being flexible in our thinking and actions means stepping outside of our
comfort zone, it keeps our minds young and active, even allowing brain cells
to regenerate.
But what looks good on paper—taking another’s needs and preferences
into account, even when they oppose our own—isn’t always easy to carry
out. Interestingly, people with a secure attachment style instinctively know
how to do this. They’re able to lower the heat during an argument and take
the edge off an escalating conflict. If you’ve ever found yourself caught off
guard during a disagreement by the other person’s genuine interest in your
concerns and willingness to consider them, you were probably disagreeing
with someone secure. But is a natural inclination helpful for those of us who
haven’t been bestowed with these skills?
Actually, when we take a closer look, we can see that there’s a method
behind the secures’ instinctive behavior. It’s less about their magical powers
than about their helpful practices. Not only have we identified five specific
actions that people with a secure attachment style use to diffuse and resolve
conflict, but we believe that they can be learned. Adult attachment theory has
proven time and again that when it comes to attachment style, we’re
malleable. And it’s never too late to learn new relationship skills.
THE SECURE PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING CONFLICT
WORK
Let’s take a closer look at the five principles that secure people use when
they’re having a disagreement with their partner.
Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
- Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.