- Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
- Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
- Be willing to engage.
- Effectively communicate feelings and needs.
- Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being: A cottage in the
Berkshires
Frank loves the outdoors and the summer home in the Berkshires that he
inherited from his parents. Sandy hates it. She dreads the hassle of packing
and unpacking and the traffic they always get stuck in on the long drives. To
her, the whole experience is more trouble than it’s worth. It took a few bitter
fights before they realized that each partner insisting on his or her wishes and
ignoring the other’s ended up making both of them unhappy. They found a
system that worked despite their inherent differences in the way they wish to
spend their downtime. Today, when Sandy senses that city life is becoming
too much for Frank, she takes one for the team and they venture to the
woods. Similarly, when Frank sees that Sandy is feeling overwhelmed by
traveling, they stay in the city—sometimes for long stretches of time. On
those occasions he makes sure to schedule outdoor activities in order to keep
his sanity. It’s not a perfect system, and sometimes one of them gets upset
and complains, but they’re able to work it out, each accommodating the other
as best they can.
Frank and Sandy both understand the fundamental premise of a good
relationship—that the other person’s well-being is as important as your own.
Ignoring your partner’s needs will have a direct impact on your own
emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health. We often view conflict
as a zero-sum game: either you get your way or I get mine. But attachment
theory shows us that our happiness is actually dependent on our mate’s and
vice versa. The two are inextricable. Despite their divergent wishes, Frank
and Sandy engage in a kind of back and forth synchronicity that gives them
both the satisfaction of knowing that the other person is attuned to their
needs. From an attachment perspective, this is a hugely rewarding
experience.