- Maintain focus on the problem at hand: George’s messy place
“On one of our first dates,” Kelly recalls, “George and I stopped by his
apartment, but he didn’t invite me up. He said it was being renovated and he
felt uncomfortable having me see it that way. Being a suspicious person, his
excuse didn’t make sense to me. I leapt to conclusions, conjuring up images
of an extra toothbrush in his bathroom and another woman’s underwear on
his bed. He noticed my mood change and asked me what was going on. I told
him that it was obvious he had something to hide, and our date ended on a
sour note.
“The next evening, however, George invited me over. He buzzed me in,
and as I was going up the stairs, he opened his door and with a sweep of his
arm gestured me in, saying ‘Welcome, welcome, welcome!’ The place was
indeed a mess, but we both laughed about it and all the bad feelings were
gone.”
George was able to turn the situation around because he has a secure
attachment style. Although his responses might seem natural, if we look a bit
more closely, we can see that they wouldn’t come so naturally to everybody.
George remained very focused on the issue at hand. While Kelly, who has an
anxious attachment style, veered off the topic, making personal accusations,
George was able to see through her protest behavior and home in on what
was really bothering her. His behavior fits well with research findings. Garry
Creasey, the head of the attachment lab at Illinois State University, who has a
particular interest in conflict management from an attachment perspective,
together with Matthew Hesson-McInnis, also from the department of
psychology at Illinois State University, found that secures are better able to
understand their partner’s perspective and maintain focus on the problem. By
responding to Kelly’s fears, and addressing them quickly and effectively,
George prevented further conflict. His ability to build a secure connection
benefits them both: Kelly learns that she has a partner who feels responsible
for her well-being, and George discovers that he is accepted as he is, clutter
and all. When there’s a willingness to resolve a specific problem, people feel
that they’re being heard and it brings both parties closer together.
But secure people aren’t always able to resolve arguments in such an
elegant manner. They too can lose their temper and overlook their partner’s
needs.