- Refrain from generalizing the conflict: The shopping trip
Though both Terry and Alex, who are in their mid-fifties, have a secure
attachment style, they’ve engaged in an ongoing fighting ritual for more than
thirty years. Terry will send Alex to the supermarket with a very detailed
shopping list—crushed tomatoes, whole wheat bread, and a package of
Barilla pasta. A couple of hours later Alex will come back with similar, but
not the exact, products. He’ll have purchased a different brand of pasta and
tomato paste instead of crushed tomatoes. Terry gets upset, declares the items
unusable, and dramatically proclaims that she’ll have to go to the store
herself. Alex responds by losing his temper, grabs the groceries, and storms
out of the house. He returns with the correct items, but the day has been
ruined by their confrontation.
Even though Terry and Alex care deeply about each other, they’ve never
really taken a good look at their fighting ritual. If they had, they would have
realized the value in finding a different solution. Alex is a space cadet; he just
doesn’t seem to be able to pay attention to details, so why put both of them
through a challenge he can’t meet? For Terry these small details are crucial—
she couldn’t overlook them even if she tried. This doesn’t mean Terry should
have to take the entire burden on herself, however. A creative solution is in
order. Terry can call Alex at the supermarket to make sure he’s putting the
correct items in the basket, she can place the order online and have him pick
it up, or she can go herself while he helps with chores at home. They have to
find a path of less resistance and go with it.
One thing is notable, though. Despite their fussing, they do manage to steer
clear of a number of destructive pitfalls. Most important, they don’t let the
conflict spill over into other areas or get out of control. They avoid making
disparaging comments or hurtful generalizations about each other. They keep
the argument restricted to the topic at hand and don’t blow things out of
proportion. Even though Terry angrily threatens to go to the store herself—
and on occasion does—she doesn’t expand it to “I’ve had it with you” or
“You know what? You can cook your own dinner, I’m leaving!”
- Be willing to engage