In all three conflicts above, whether resolved peacefully or explosively, the
secure partner (or partners) remains “present” both physically and
emotionally. George is instinctively able to contain Kelly’s personal attack
and, taking responsibility for her hurt feelings, turns the situation around
while remaining engaged. Had he been avoidant or even anxious, he might
have responded to Kelly’s silent treatment by withdrawing and creating even
more distance and hostility.
Frank and Sandy could also each have decided to dig in their heels. Sandy
could have said, “You know what? Do whatever you want, but I’m spending
my weekends in the city!” and refused to discuss things further. Frank could
have done the same. Locked in a stalemate, they’d have spent many unhappy
weekends missing each other. Only because they’re both willing to stay and
deal with the issue do they find a resolution that they can both live with and
in the process learn to be more in tune to each other’s needs.
- Effectively communicate feelings and needs: Visiting the sister-in-law
Because Tom’s job is so hectic, Rebecca barely gets to see him during the
week, and she often feels very alone. On Saturdays, she usually visits her
sister, who lives close by. Tom doesn’t typically join her for these visits; he
likes to stay home and veg out on the couch. Generally, this is fine with her,
but this Saturday, after a particularly long week at work, when Tom was even
more absent than usual, she becomes very insistent that he come along. Tom,
exhausted from his work week, is adamant about not wanting to go. Rebecca
won’t take no for an answer and pushes the issue. He reacts by clamming up
even more. Finally she tells him he’s being selfish, he ends up in front of the
TV not talking, and she ends up going alone.
Rebecca acts in a way that is very typical of people with an anxious
attachment style. Because her husband’s being at work more than usual
during the week has activated her attachment system, she feels a need to
reconnect. What she needs most is to feel that Tom is available to her—that
he cares and wants to be with her. However, instead of saying this directly
and explaining what is bothering her, she uses protest behavior—accusing
him of being selfish and insisting that he come to her sister’s. Tom is