bewildered that Rebecca is suddenly behaving so irrationally—after all, they
have an understanding that he doesn’t have to go to her sister’s.
How different Tom’s reaction might be if Rebecca simply said, “I know
you hate going to my sister’s, but it would mean the world to me if you could
come this one time. I’ve hardly seen you all week and I don’t want to miss
out on any more time together.”
Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other
person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent
who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional
dialogue. Even if Tom still chose not to join Rebecca, if he understood how
she felt, he could find another way to reassure her: “If you really want me to
go, I will. But I also want to relax. How about we go out tonight—just the
two of us? Would that make you feel better? You don’t really want me at your
sister’s anyway, do you? I will get in the way of the two of you catching up.”
Preventing Conflict—Attachment Biology 101
When it comes to conflict, it’s not always about who did what to
whom, or how to compromise, or even how to express yourself more
effectively. Sometimes, understanding the basic biology of attachment
helps you prevent conflict before it even happens. Oxytocin, a
hormone and neuropeptide that has gotten a lot of press coverage in
recent years, plays a major role in attachment processes and serves
several purposes: It causes women to go into labor, strengthens
attachment, and serves as a social cohesion hormone by increasing
trust and cooperation. We get a boost of oxytocin in our brain during
orgasm and even when we cuddle—which is why it’s been tagged the
“cuddle hormone.”
How is oxytocin related to conflict reduction? Sometimes we spend
less quality time with our partner—especially when other demands on
us are pressing. However, neuroscience findings suggest that we
should change our priorities. By forgoing closeness with our partners,
we are also missing our oxytocin boost—making us less agreeable to
the world around us and more vulnerable to conflict.