The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle in bed
for a chance to catch up on your work—think again. This small act
might be enough to immunize your relationship against conflict for
the next few days.WHY INSECURE PEOPLE DON’T APPROACH CONFLICT
HEAD-ON
Several aspects of the anxious and avoidant mind-sets make it difficult for
them to adopt secure conflict resolution principles.
For the anxious, conflict can trigger very basic concerns about their
partner’s responsiveness to their needs and about rejection or abandonment.
When a dispute arises, they experience many negative thoughts and react by
using protest behavior, aimed at getting their partner’s attention. They may
make strong accusations, cry, or give their partner the silent treatment.
Fearful that their partner is likely to be inattentive to their needs, they feel
they need to really leave their mark in order to be heard. Their response,
though often dramatic, is usually ineffective.
People with an avoidant attachment style are also threatened by the
possibility that their mate won’t really be there for them when needed.
However, to deal with these beliefs, they adopt the opposite approach—they
suppress their need for intimacy by shutting down emotionally and adopting
a defensive air of independence. The more personal the conflict becomes, the
stronger their urge grows to distance themselves from the situation. To do this
they use deactivating strategies—such as finding fault with their partner—in
order to feel less close to him or her.
Another study by Gary Creasey, together with two graduate students at the
time, Kathy Kershaw and Ada Boston, found that both anxious people and
avoidant people use fewer positive conflict-resolution tactics, express more
aggression, and tend more toward withdrawal and escalation of conflict than
secure people. Perhaps the similarities in their attitude toward conflict—that
is, their basic belief in their partner’s unavailability and their difficulty
expressing their needs effectively—explain this finding.