PAUL AND JACKIE’S KID-SIZED PROBLEM
Though Jackie and Paul have been seeing each other for over a year and
spend most nights together, Paul has three children that Jackie has never met.
Her friends and family are worried about this situation and wonder where the
relationship going.
Jackie has tried to address the matter, but Paul feels the time is still not
right—maintaining stability in his children’s life is of the utmost importance
to him. Every other weekend, when Paul has the kids, he is off-limits to
Jackie, who feels that if she raises the subject again, she might tip the
relationship over the edge. Even on appropriate occasions—when Paul told
her how much he loved her and talked about buying a house together—Jackie
remained quiet about the kids and didn’t reciprocate his declarations of love.
She feels that if Paul really wanted them to be close, he would let her into his
life completely, kids and all.
When Jackie’s parents visit for dinner, Paul keeps talking about his kids
and how wonderful they are. After dessert, Jackie’s father invites Paul for a
short walk. He tells him that his kids sound wonderful and he’s hoping that
Jackie will get to meet them soon, because he and his wife really like Paul
and want to see the relationship grow. Paul assures him that he’s very serious
about the relationship. Neither of them tells Jackie about their talk.
The following week, Jackie has no idea why Paul is so quiet and answers
her questions with only “Yes,” “No,” or “I don’t know.” Finally, she asks him
what’s wrong. He responds by lashing out, complaining that her father
criticized him for talking about his kids, and reminds her of the many times
he has expressed his feelings, only to have her not reciprocate. She replies
that it’s hard to open up when he’s shutting her out of such a big part of his
life. Rather than engaging in the discussion, he gets up, packs his belongings,
and leaves, saying that he needs “some space.” He returns several weeks
later, but they still avoid discussing the matter and revert to the status quo.
Typical of people who have an insecure attachment style, both Jackie and
Paul break almost every secure rule for handling conflict. Neither effectively
communicates their needs and both avoid directly addressing the issue at
hand—introducing Jackie to Paul’s kids—but each for a different reason.
Paul has a very firm opinion on the matter—he doesn’t want his kids to meet
someone unless it’s very serious—and Jackie never reciprocated his love