declarations. It doesn’t occur to him to ask Jackie if it bothers her that they
are separated every other weekend. Though he says he loves her, this doesn’t
translate into thinking that her feelings should be considered when it comes
to his children (a characteristically avoidant attitude). He also assumes that if
she doesn’t often raise the topic of wanting to meet his children, she can’t
care that much.
Jackie, on the other hand, doesn’t talk anymore about meeting his kids
because she’s anxious and worries that by making demands she may put the
relationship in jeopardy. She fears that Paul may decide she’s “just not worth
the effort.”
Paul also avoids secure principles when he chooses not to tell Jackie about
his conversation with her father. Worse still, when they finally do talk about
the issue, instead of engaging in the topic, Paul withdraws completely. Paul
bottles up his anger for so long that by the time Jackie asks him what’s
wrong, he’s at the end of his rope and is only able to attack her. Jackie, who is
also insecure, isn’t able to save the situation; instead of trying to soothe him
and calm things down, she resorts to counterattacks. Being anxious, she
interprets Paul’s words as a personal rejection and responds defensively.
Unfortunately, neither can see beyond their own hurt to comprehend the
larger picture or what is going on with the other person.
As a rule of thumb, sensitive topics—like meeting a partner’s children—
should always be on the table. Assume that they’re important, even if they
aren’t raised. You might not necessarily reach an immediate resolution, but at
least you’ll be open to hearing each other, and neither of you will be burying
hurt feelings that will burst out uncontrollably sometime in the future. And of
course, there is a better chance the issue will be resolved if it is discussed
rather than ignored.
HOW TO MAKE SECURE PRINCIPLES WORK FOR YOU
Insecure assumptions interfere with conflict resolution. Specifically, being
centered on your own needs and hurts can cause a lot of trouble. Fear that
someone isn’t as emotionally involved as you, or doesn’t want to be as close
as you’d like to be, is understandable. But in conflict situations, such