preoccupations can be very damaging. Try to keep a number of truths in mind
when you are in the midst of a fight:
- A single fight is not a relationship breaker.
- Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid
that s/he wants to reject you, say so. - Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. It is most
likely not because of you. - Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and
express your needs. - Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you
haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know! - Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means. When in
doubt, ask.
A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in
conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people
with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If
you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically
respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity. Though you
may have to talk yourself into believing the “positive truths” above (even if
only halfheartedly at first), it is well worth the effort. In most cases, they will
steer the dialogue in the right direction.
In sum, these are the habits you should keep away from during fights:
Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid
- Getting sidetracked from the real problem.
- Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and
needs. - Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
- Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more
negativity.