- Withdrawing.
- Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.
Paul and Jackie’s conflict is really intimacy-centered and not of the bread-
and-butter type. We brought it up to demonstrate how easy it is to hit almost
all of the “don’ts” listed above in a single dispute. Despite their love for each
other, they (1) get easily sidetracked from the real problem (“Your father
criticized me for talking about my children.. .”); they (2) obviously never
effectively communicate their needs and feelings. A lot is left unsaid,
especially by Jackie, who (5) uses emotional withdrawal and doesn’t respond
to Paul’s attempts to get close in other ways. When they finally do talk, after
a week of silence (5 again), they (4) engage in a tit for tat. Both are certainly
also engrossed in their own concerns and (6) have great difficulty focusing on
the other’s well-being throughout their relationship and particularly when
arguing.
A WORKSHOP IN CONFLICT STRATEGIES
The first step toward identifying your own conflict tactics and changing them
is to learn to recognize effective and ineffective conflict strategies. Take a
look at the following situations and try to determine whether the couples deal
with their differences using secure or insecure principles. If you think the
principles used are insecure, list the secure principles that could be used
instead.
- Marcus booked a (mostly) singles cruise to Brazil before he and Daria
started dating six months ago. Daria doesn’t feel comfortable with
Marcus going on such a trip without her, and she doesn’t like cruises.
When she raises the subject to Marcus, he responds, “So I have to do
everything with you now? You don’t like stuff like that anyway, so
why do you care? Besides, I’ve already paid for it. What do you want
me to do, lose $3,000?”