9781529032178

But on second thought, we quickly realized we had bought into every
possible relationship fallacy. Even we, with our professional understanding
of the science behind romantic behavior, had reverted to our old—and very
unhelpful—beliefs. We allowed some deeply ingrained misconceptions to
influence our thinking.
The first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for
intimacy. We’ve been raised to believe that every person can fall deeply in
love (this part might well be true) and that when this happens, he or she will
be transformed into a different person (this part is not!). Regardless of what
they were like before, when people find “the one,” they supposedly become
adoring, faithful, supportive partners—free of qualms about the
relationship. It’s tempting to forget that, in fact, people have very different
capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met
with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of
unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can
navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy
needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new
understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first
and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction.
The second common misconception we fell victim to is that marriage is
the be-all and end-all. Romantic stories tend to end there, and we are all
tempted to believe that when someone gets married, it’s unequivocal proof
of the power of love to transform; that the decision to marry means they’re
now ready for true closeness and emotional partnership. We don’t like to
admit that people might enter marriage without having these goals in mind,
let alone the ability to achieve them. We want to believe, as we had hoped
for in the movie, that once married, anyone can change and treat his/her
spouse like royalty (especially if two people are deeply in love with each
other).
In this book, however, we’ve shown how mismatched attachment styles
can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in marriage, even for people who
love each other greatly. If you are in such a relationship, don’t feel guilty
for feeling incomplete or unsatisfied. After all, your most basic needs often
go unmet, and love alone isn’t enough to make the relationship work. If
you’ve read this book and understand where you are each coming from in