9781529032178

terms of your attachment styles, you can now tackle this problem from a
completely different angle.
The third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are
responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s
responsibility. When potential partners “Mirandize” us and “read us our
rights” (see chapter 11) early in a relationship by telling us that they aren’t
ready to commit, thereby renouncing responsibility for our well-being, or
when they make unilateral decisions in a long-standing relationship without
taking our needs into account, we’re quick to accept these terms. This logic
has become very natural to people, and our friends might say, “They told
you in advance they didn’t want to commit,” or “They always said how
strongly they feel about this issue, so you have no one but yourself to
blame.” But when we’re in love and want to continue a relationship, we
tend to ignore the contradictory messages we’re getting. Instead of
recognizing that someone who blatantly disregards our emotions is not
going to be a good partner, we accept this attitude. Again, we must
constantly remind ourselves: In a true partnership, both partners view it as
their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.
Once we let go of these delusions, the movie, like many situations in life,
takes on a very different meaning. The story line becomes predictable and
loses much of its mystique. It’s no longer a boy-meets-girl story, but an
avoidant-meets-anxious one; he has a need for intimacy and she shies away
from it. The writing was on the wall from the beginning, but the movie’s
male hero couldn’t see it. That the woman he loved went on to marry
someone else doesn’t change the fact that she was avoidant, and it predicts
nothing about her happiness (or her husband’s) in the marriage. It’s very
likely that she continued her behavior and distanced herself from the
husband in many ways. For all we know, the hero became her phantom ex.
What we learned from watching the film is just how hard it is to let go of
concepts we’ve believed in our entire lives—no matter how unhelpful
they’ve been. But jettisoning these ideas is a necessary step; holding on to
them can be highly destructive. They encourage us to compromise our self-
esteem and happiness by ignoring our most basic needs and trying to be
someone we’re not.
We believe that every person deserves to experience the benefits of a
secure bond. When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional