supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much
harder to maintain focus and engage in life. As in the strange situation test,
when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and
especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can
turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence
meaningful.
Brooke Feeney, the director of the Carnegie Mellon University
Relationship Lab, illustrates how a secure base works in adult relationships.
Dr. Feeney is particularly interested in studying the way in which partners
get and give support to each other and the factors that determine the quality
of that support. In one of her studies, Dr. Feeney asked couples to discuss
their personal goals and exploratory opportunities with one another in the
lab. When participants felt that their goals were supported by their partner,
they reported an increase in self-esteem and an elevated mood after the
discussion. They also rated higher the likelihood of achieving their goals
after the discussion than before it. Participants who felt that their partner
was more intrusive and/or less supportive, on the other hand, were less open
to discussing their goals, did not confidently examine ways for achieving
those goals, and tended to downgrade their goals during the course of the
discussion.
Back to Karen and Tim, our reality-TV-show couple: In many ways, their
experience is a close adult equivalent to the strange situation test for
children. Just as Karen needed Tim’s hand for encouragement and Tim
gathered strength from Karen’s reassurance, Kimmy wanted her mother’s
presence. Karen engaged in protest behavior (not agreeing to continue until
he held her hand), just as Kimmy had done when she called out for her
absent mother. Both needed the reassurance of their attachment figures
before they could focus on other tasks. Only once their secure base was
restored could they go back to other activities.
FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON TO DEPEND ON
The question is, what happens when the person we rely on most—and in
fact depend on emotionally and physically—doesn’t fulfill his or her