4.

Step Two: Cracking the Code—What Is My Partner’s Style?

Figuring out other people’s attachment styles is usually trickier than
identifying your own. For one, you know yourself best—not just how you
behave but also what you feel and think when you are in a relationship.
Second, you can take your own quiz to help with the process. When you
start dating someone new, however, you aren’t likely to whip out our quiz
and start grilling your date about his or her past relationships. Luckily,
without even knowing it, most people give away almost all the information
you need to determine their attachment style in their natural, day-to-day
actions and words.
The trick is to know what to look for, be a keen observer and ardent
listener. In attachment studies, researchers bring people to the lab and ask
them about their romantic relationships. The attitudes that people display
toward intimacy and closeness and the degree to which they are
preoccupied with their relationships determine their attachment style. But
from our experience, this information is also readily available outside the
lab, if you know what to look for.
Understanding attachment will change the way you perceive new people
you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into your partner if you
are already in a relationship.
In dating situations, your thinking will shift from “Does he or she like
me?” to “Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she
capable of giving me what I need?” Going forward with a relationship will
become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking yourself
questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he
sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?”
Using this chapter as a guide, with time and practice you will develop and
fine-tune your ability to determine someone’s attachment style early on.
Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is