compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her. Anything
that doesn’t fit into this picture fades into the background. In the initial
stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all
messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you
determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a
positive direction.
If you are currently in a relationship, you might already have an idea
about your partner’s attachment style from what you’ve read so far, and you
can use the tools provided in the following pages to sharpen your skills.
Your thinking will shift as well. You’ll no longer ask yourself, “Why is she
always pushing me away?” Instead you’ll say, “It really isn’t about me at all
—she just doesn’t feel comfortable with too much closeness.” Uncovering
your partner’s attachment style will allow you to better understand the
particular challenges that you face as a couple—an essential step toward
using attachment principles to improve your bond.
QUESTIONNAIRE: DETERMINING YOUR PARTNER’S
ATTACHMENT STYLE
Following is a questionnaire designed to help you establish your partner’s
or date’s attachment style.
The questionnaire is divided into three groups. Each describes certain
characteristics illustrated with a few examples. Note that if the
characteristic in general is true of your partner, you should score it as true.
It is also enough that only one example, and not all, be true of your partner
to mark it as true. After reading each characteristic, decide on the basis of
all your interactions and conversations with your partner or date whether it
is true of him/her. The truer it is, the higher you should score, based on the
following scale:
SCORING KEY
- Very untrue of him or her
- Moderately true of him or her
- Very true of him or her