9781529032178

originate from very different romantic attitudes). In that case, go ahead to
the “Golden Rules” on page 62 to make a better assessment.
Score of 23 or above for group A: It seems that your partner/ date has
an avoidant attachment style. This means that you can’t take closeness and
intimacy for granted. Someone secure or anxious has a basic wish to be
close; with someone avoidant that basic desire is missing. While they have
a need for attachment and love—they too posses a basic mechanism in the
brain to get attached—they tend to feel suffocated when things get too
close. With avoidants, everyday interactions and conversations, whether
they’re about which channel to watch on TV or how to raise the kids, are
actually negotiations for space and independence. You often wind up
complying with their wishes—because otherwise they will withdraw.
Research shows that avoidants hardly ever date one another. They simply
lack the glue that keeps things together.
Score of 23 or above for group B: Your partner/date has a secure
attachment style. Such people want to be close; at the same time they are
not overly sensitive to rejection. They are also great communicators and
know how to get their message across in a way that is straightforward yet
not accusing. Once you get close to someone with this attachment style, you
don’t have to negotiate intimacy anymore: It becomes a given. This frees
both of you to enjoy life and grow. They listen to your point of view and try
to make things work in a way that will be acceptable to you both. They
have an innate understanding of what a romantic partnership means—
namely, that your partner’s well-being is your own and vice versa. These
qualities allow you to be your most authentic self, which research has
shown to be one of the most important factors contributing to your overall
happiness and well-being.
Score of 23 or above for group C: Your partner/date has an anxious
attachment style. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you take the
trouble to get into his or her mind-set. Someone with an anxious attachment
style craves intimacy but is also very sensitive to even the smallest of
perceived threats to this closeness. Sometimes they’ll interpret your
unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship. When this happens, they
become flooded with apprehension, but they lack the skills to communicate
their distress to you effectively. Instead, they resort to a lot of acting out and
drama. This can create a vicious cycle as they become even more sensitive