to slights and their distress is compounded. This does sound daunting, but
before you call it quits, it is important to know that if you’re sensitive and
nurturing enough to calm their fears—which is very doable—you will win a
greatly loving and devoted partner. Once you are receptive to their basic
needs for warmth and security, their sensitivity can become an asset; they’ll
be very much in tune with your wants and will be helpful and dedicated.
What’s more, they will also gradually learn how to communicate their fears
and emotions better and you will need to second-guess them less and less.
THE GOLDEN RULES FOR DECIPHERING
ATTACHMENT STYLES
If you’re still in doubt, here are what we call the five Golden Rules to help
you home in on his or her attachment style:
- Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.
This is the number-one question to ask yourself about your partner. All
other attachment traits and behaviors stem from this one overriding issue. If
the answer is no, you can be pretty sure your partner/date has an avoidant
attachment style. If the answer is yes, your partner/date has either a secure
or anxious style (see chapter 3 to learn more about the two dimensions that
determine attachment styles). When trying to answer this question, let go of
preconceptions. There is no one type of personality that is avoidant, nor one
that is either secure or anxious. He might be cocky and self-assured and still
really crave closeness. On the flip side, she might be nerdy and clumsy and
still be averse to intimacy. Ask yourself, what does this particular behavior
indicate about his or her attitude toward intimacy and closeness? Are they
doing or not doing something because they want to minimize intimacy?
Suppose you are dating someone with children from a previous marriage.
She might not want to introduce you to them because she is thinking of
their well-being and believes it is too early for them to deal with a new man
in her life, which is perfectly legitimate. On the other hand, it could be a