5.

Living with a Sixth Sense for Danger: The Anxious Attachment

Style

The famous seventeenth-century philosopher Baruch Spinoza said: “All
happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to
which we are attached by love.” So choose wisely when you are getting
involved with someone, because the stakes are high: Your happiness
depends on it! We find this to be particularly true for people with anxious
attachment style. By being unaware of the attachment system, they risk
suffering a great deal in relationships, as can be seen in the example of
Amir’s colleague Emily.

YOU’RE ONLY AS TROUBLED AS THE RELATIONSHIP

YOU’RE IN

When Emily was in her psychiatry residency, she decided she also wanted
to become a psychoanalyst. Before starting classes at the psychoanalytic
institute, she was required to embark on her own analysis for at least a year,
going to therapy four times a week, lying on the couch and talking about
whatever came to mind. In the beginning, Emily was doing very well. In
fact, she appeared so put together that her analyst thought that she would be
done with the analysis within two years max—unheard of, considering that
analysis usually lasts at least four to five years.
Then she met David, whom she fell for very quickly. David, an aspiring
actor, turned out to be bad news. He gave her mixed signals about wanting
to be together, and this really unnerved Emily. It changed her behavior until
she appeared to have completely destabilized. We used to run together
around the reservoir in Central Park, and she would bring both her work