Thoughts and Feelings That Compel You to Seek Closeness with
Your Partner- Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other
things. - Remembering only their good qualities.
- Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and
abilities and overestimating theirs. - An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in
contact with them. - Believing this is your only chance for love, as in:
- “I’m only compatible with very few people—what
are the chances I’ll find another person like
him/her?” - “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up
alone.”
- “I’m only compatible with very few people—what
- Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not
let go, as in:- “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—
for someone else.” - “He can change.”
- “All couples have problems—we’re not special in
that regard.”
- “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—
In Emily’s case, her attachment system was right on target. During the
course of their relationship, she learned that David was watching Internet
porn for hours while she was at work and he was supposedly out
auditioning. She also found out that he was flirting online with other girls
(including her made-up persona) in various chat rooms. But she still had a
hard time breaking up with him. She was bombarded by activating
strategies similar to those we’ve outlined above, thinking that he would
change, that everyone has problems, and so on. It took over a year before
she could muster the courage to sever the tie. During that time and for quite
a while after the break, Emily spent her analysis talking mostly about him.
Years later, after she married a great guy and went back to being her