almost constant sense of threat to the relationship. She was always busy
trying to minimize it by staying close to him—be it by spending many
precious hours online at work pretending to be someone else or by
constantly talking about him in analysis or to her friends. In this way, she
kept him in her mind at all times. All these seemingly erratic thoughts and
behaviors—activating strategies—had one goal: to establish closeness with
David. Had David been consistently available to Emily, these activating
strategies would have been nipped in the bud instead of escalating out of
control, and she would never have had to leave the relationship comfort
zone.
Now Emily no longer finds herself stuck in the danger zone. Her husband
is loving, caring, and most important, available. She is still very aware,
however, of the powerful force of an activated attachment system. Were she
ever to enter another relationship with someone who wasn’t consistently
available, she would most likely revert back to her old “obsessed” self. The
thought that something like that could happen again sends chills down her
spine.
LIVING IN THE COMFORT ZONE: RYAN AND SHAUNA
Ryan and Shauna were coworkers who fell in love. They’d been together
for several months when Ryan left that workplace to take a high-paying job
with a prestigious firm. For the first time, the couple didn’t spend their
workdays together anymore. When Ryan went on his first business trip with
his new colleagues, he missed Shauna and tried to call her. The call went to
voice-mail after two rings. He knew that wasn’t right, got really upset, and
called again. This time it went directly to voice-mail. He didn’t leave a
message. He felt hurt that she had pushed the “ignore” button the first time
and then turned off her phone completely the second time. He found it hard
to concentrate during his business meeting, but he promised himself he
wouldn’t call her for the rest of his trip. Luckily, an hour later Shauna texted
to apologize for not picking up—she hadn’t been able to answer because
her boss was standing right next to her when he called. He was relieved and
called her right back.